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As we’ve stated before, part of Loveawake’s committment to crime fighting involves us making sure both genders communicate with each other more clearly. this feeling is particularly applicable in the world of dating and sex, where more signs and signals are regularly misread and misinterpreted than in terry mcmillian’s bedroom.

 

Today, as another example of the my altruism, I decided to help our brethren out a bit with four sure-fire ways to know she probably wants to get laid with you¹.

1. She invites you over after 9pm, and she’s dressed as if she’s auditioning for a spot on the panamanian women’s cricket team

Every woman has “comfortable house clothes“.

Every woman also has “comfortable house clothes that look like she’s about to film a scene for penthouse pilates“.

Basically, if you can easily see that you’ve reached the “draws optional” portion of the relationship, it might be time to crack that cialis container.

2. You’re alone with her, and she pours herself another glass…and another…and another…

Her doing this indirectly suggests three separate things:

a) she feels safe enough around you to not only be tipsy, but have you be fully aware of her tipsy-ness

b) she’s giving herself the “ok…stop being nervous. we’re gonna do this tonight, and he better not f*ck this up its gonna be great.” pep talk

c) she’s a lush

Either way, its a flashing yellow light, so slow down, pretend to look both ways, record it so you don’t get charged with date rape, and go!

3. She volunteers to give you the perfunctory, pseudo-sensual “i just wanna see how much skin they allow me to touch” late-night back/chest massage.

4. She, ummm, tells you.

Although you have to be particularly watchful for women latent sadomasochists and their teasingly terrible non-specific sexual double talk (“i just said i was horny. “horny” doesn’t mean i want to have sex or anything. i’m just horny, thats all”), sometimes, if you play your cards right, you might have made her vagina panties so brazilian rainforestey that she can’t help but tell you that she needs you to break her back. right. now.

5. She’s white

i know i’m missing a few. people of vsb.com, do you have any more?

¹I originally was going with “four surefire ways to know he wants to f**k“, until i realized that “he’s breathing. the end” probably wasn’t long enough